Temple of Athena the Savior

So, I’m single again. It sucks. I still love my ex, but we weren’t well matched. Many of our values did not match up. He is a good person, but I don’t believe we could build a life together. I made the hard choice. Perhaps one day we could even be friends, but not right now. This was also the last time I date a nonPagan man. It’s not worth it. He didn’t understand my calling. He wasn’t downright viciously mean about it, like others I’ve dated (I know, stupid!), he was supportive. But he didn’t understand. I think I opened up his mind a little, he is starting to notice things in the world and around him more and maybe that was why we were together. He was also healing to me after I’ve been through some personal shit. But it’s not enough. I want a partner who can understand me spiritually. And we weren’t in the same place about valuing marriage. I swore I would never live with another man without AT LEAST being engaged and having a timetable for marriage, and I had already moved that boundary for him. He was “not fond of” marriage and just kind of hoping he would change his mind one day. But let’s be honest. That doesn’t happen.

The funny thing is, I’ve spent A LOT of time in the last few months crying and in emotional turmoil, and now that it’s over, I’m sad, but mostly at peace. It wasn’t meant to be. It’s okay. I choose my Gods. I choose my Work. I know in my heart what my calling is. I am here to help bring people back into Right Relationship with the Gods and the Land, perhaps to be a full fledged shaman one day. I am not a full moon pagan. I am not a layperson. My path is intensive. It’s hard. It sucks some days. The way that I get in relationships, the obcessiveness, the codependency that that comes from my childhood trauma, I have wondered if I can even have a partner and do my Job. Maybe I can’t. I want a husband, I want a partner, but maybe I can’t have one in the physical for a while. Our society is out of balance and soaked in miasma and tilting towards chaos, and my job is going to be a big one. It’s going to take a lot of work and training. 

I’m still sad. The emotions are still coming in waves sometimes. But I feel so much better now, after I ended it. That’s how I know I made the right decision. 

Thank you Allfather for giving me the strength, and that it didn’t take me 8 years this time.